It sure sucks to break a tradition

I’ve never paid much attention to traditions.

Well, I have, in that I will follow traditions, but it was always a chore, like… buying overpriced moon cakes in moon cake festival, or… okay, I’m out. I’ve not been one for traditions.

I was flipping through my wallets, and I saw the business cards. 3 business cards I’ve carried with me everywhere I went. Although they’ve been well looked after, the rounded corners and creases betray their age and frequency of use.

“I hope to give you every new business card as time goes on.”

Nobody does chicken like…

Heard this on the radio:

“Lets be honest, noone ever goes to KFC because it’s special. KFC is there to feed families when the parents are too tired to cook”

In my current state, I would completely agree with that.

However, I can remember, in the not so distant past, where KFC was special. When I first moved to NZ, KFC was where we went to celebrate a special occasion. Birthdays, getting citizenship, and um…that might be it. I think I can count with both hands the number of times we went there in 3 years. Fast forward 10 years, and now I eat out for lunch every day. I go for coffees, and buy treats whenever I feel like. While I still appreciates and very much enjoys the little things financial stability has bought me, I will never ever forget the days where I could not take it for granted.

Privacy settings

Hey Guys,

I’m making my blog private. If you read my blog, can you please let me know so I can add your user name to the list. =)

Thanks!

It’s never about the person

Breakups suck.

That fact aside, in the aftermath of the pain, the anger, the tears and the acceptance, its interesting to see the split of the relationship, the unit that was once the ‘couple’.

Sometimes, the split is about belongings, how do you now define ‘ownership’ after years of “ours”?

Sometimes, the split is financial, how do you quantify what each has bought into the relationship?

Sometimes, the split is about custody, who loved them more?

The hardest part, and the part less logical, is the split between the person, and the emotions. How do you split the years of feelings from the actual physical being? I received an email today from my ex, and it dawned on me, that I knew her well, but only as part of the relationship. The version of her I knew was her plus layers and layers of emotions that I felt for her, experiences we’ve shared together, and plans we’ve made. All that stripped away. Her actual self seemed very foreign, brand new core, a core for someone else to add the layers and call as their own.

And so am I.

moving in sync

I went clubbing last night. First time in a long time.

I liked the alcohol, I liked the music, and the people are great. I miss dancing next to someone, I miss holding someone so close, bodies moving in sync, all the curves fitting like a well crafted jigsaw puzzle.

But they’re not her.

I am sick of doing reality checks and realising that I am in no position to start anything with anyone. I am sick of moving away, I am sick of creating distance, I am sick of worrying about giving the wrong impression and I am sick of being pathetic and useless.

Its all psychological, and I know that, why the fuck can’t I accept it? It’s over.

We will no longer be in sync.

shopping for a new watch

I used to think that I am independent. I’m not usually clingy, and I like the idea of being myself and pursuing my interests.

I got a watch for my birthday/Christmas/new year at the start of 2008. I don’t usually wear a watch before that, but I’ve not gone a day without it since. I play with it constantly, to the annoyance of my co-workers, and I know every detail of the watch. I know the stories behind every scratch, bump and imperfections.

Now that I am sitting here by myself, playing with my watch, suddenly it feels like it no longer belongs to me. Something I know so well feels incredibly foreign, and all of a sudden, deep down, I know I no longer belong to you.

Now I realised that subconsciously, I’m very sentimental when it comes to person and things. I want the things that I carry with me everyday to mean something special, someone special.

I don’t have an oak tree…

Saw these lyrics on a friend’s blog, and it struck a cord with me…

<!–ttygyan–>

I’m coming home. I’ve done my time.
Now I’ve got to know what is and is it mine.
If you received my letter telling you I’d soon be free,
Then you’ll know just what to do if you still want me,
If you still want me.

Oh, tie a yellow ribbon ’round the ole oak tree.
It’s been three long years.
Do you still want me?
(Still want me?)
If I don’t see a ribbon ’round the ole oak tree,
I’ll stay on the bus,
Forget about us,
Put the blame on me,
If I don’t see a yellow ribbon ’round the ole oak tree.

Bus driver, please look for me,
‘Cause I couldn’t bear to see what I might see.
I’m really still in prison, and my love, she holds the key.
A simple yellow ribbon’s what I need to set me free.

I wrote and told her please,
Oh, tie a yellow ribbon ’round the ole oak tree.
It’s been three long years.
Do you still want me?
(Still want me?)
If I don’t see a ribbon ’round the ole oak tree,
I’ll stay on the bus,
Forget about us,
Put the blame on me,
If I don’t see a yellow ribbon ’round the ole oak tree.

will everything be okay?

[14th April, 2008]

I’ve been asked by my parents to choose between them, or the person I love.

Internet, what do I do?

grant me the serenity…

[30th January, 2010]

I had forgotten this blog existed, until I went to comment on someone else’s blog, and blogspot remembered my account. All this time it’s been waiting for my return, while I’ve long forgotten the password, or even the username.

As I wrote the previous post, my parents found out I was head over heels in love with a girl. They made me choose, and being the conflict avoiding wuss that I am, I kept the peace at home, and told them that we were no longer together, while still seeing her every chance I got.

Fast forward a little over a year, and I’m here to tell you that no, this did not end well.

While I think we broke up because we weren’t meant to be, we have different interests, different values and different approach to life’s more interesting times, on the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if I am lying to myself.

Everyone always says to live for yourself, and that at the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you, not your parents.

I envy everyone who honestly thinks that way.

Whether it’s the way I’ve been bought up, or the way I am hard wired, but I think a family is a unit. A part of who I am, and my level of happiness is made up, in parts, of the happiness of everyone else in the unit, and this, I have come to accept is part of the things I cannot change.

Still, I fucking miss her to pieces.

Spoke to pete…note to self

[18th February, 2010]

I need a story, what sets me apart from other people?

Dev, Dev Lead, BA, Testing and Test Lead experience. I have a variety of experience, more than most people my age, but how to sell that experience? What is the common thread? I need to gel the experiences together so that they become a bigger picture, a picture that will convince people that I can do something better than everyone else.

What is my gel? Public sector? Websphere Portal? Consulting-ness? I need to figure out what it is, and also what I want it to be.

China…. I want to use my Chinese, but how?
I can go back to China to work, but will that hinder my career? The experiences I have there may not be able to transfer back to Aus, in which case I will be taking a backward step in my career. The people who do well in China seem to be big managers, they bring their experience and insight into Business Operations…what can I bring? Pete says I should stay on this side of the fence. Work in Australia, and be sent back, or liase with people in China, use the Chinese, but don’t join them. I think he has a really good point. I have not considered that the experiences will not transfer well between China and Australia.

I’ve always wanted a broader range of experiences, now I think I should consolidate. I should figure out what I want to do, and focus on a goal. No more floating around. What can I do? and what do I want to do?

It’s good to chat to people, they always offer a different point of view to consider =D